I (didn’t) Have a Dream

There I said it. I hadn’t even realized it until a few months ago. What have I been doing all my life?

What was my dream?

I don’t think I’ve ever used that wording in my future thinking before. Surely I hadn’t dreamt as a child to be single at age 46, in a new and unfulfilling job within my otherwise fulfilling career. While I’d always had goals and visions for my life, none of those paths were Make-Your-Lifelong-Dreams-Come-True Road, more like This-Feels-Right-and-Good-for-Me-in-this-Moment Avenue.

I had always loved my jobs, to the point where they often felt like “dream jobs”, as I was truly making a difference in people’s lives. Professionally, my journey has been amazing - a beautiful walkway with opening doors of opportunity inviting me in at just the right time. Many of these doors were often created for specifically for me - hand crafted to fit my skills, creating the perfect Dream Job for that moment. Only twice in my 20+ year career have entered space that didn’t feel right. One of those times is now.

But you know: I am a true believer in that everything happens for a reason, and if it weren’t for me taking this job, I wouldn’t be having this realization - this mid-life epiphany - and wouldn’t have had the time, energy and mindset to actually follow it. Had it not been for this change, I would not have taken off my 30+ years old blinders to see more of what I can do and who I can be in this world.

Let’s talk about these blinders for a sec. I sported the heavy duty, tunnel vision blinders, strapped on tight with little give. Here’s what you are “supposed” to do: get done with college in four years, get a job right away and start adulting. Travel was a strong desire, but it felt selfish to stray off the path even a little. I couldn’t muster up the courage to ask my parents to pay for studying abroad - that may throw off the schedule. What if I decided to change majors? Oh, hell no. I had the itch to travel again after grad school (which of course was right after undergrad as planned), but felt I couldn’t afford it. Besides, all I could see was the door directly in front of me: a tailor-made job - with my perfect new rescue dog to make sure I stayed put.

My blinders held pretty sturdy all this time, and didn’t really show any signs of fraying until the past 7-8 years. It began by witnessing others taking off their own blinders, and exploring their world through the panoramic lens of Recovery. I was so impressed that these individuals would take a year off from school to focus on themselves, or just take a pause to look at their life being a different way. I was so proud of their bravery to chart a totally different course for their life and explore all the possibilities the world had for them. I wondered why I had never allowed myself these freedoms, especially in seeing how life changing they can be.

I’ll also be first to say that I am a dancing and singing competition show junkie. I have watched every season of So You Think You Can Dance, and carve out the 3 hours per week to watch The Voice. If I were to be completely honest - my first dream career would have been to be a singer/dancer, but there’s that whole talent piece that may be amiss. I do still say that if I was born 15 years later I would have more seriously considered such a move…but I digress. I say all this because in watching these shows all of the contestants talk about their experience being their dream coming true - and for some reason, at this time in my life - I latched on to that phrase.

What is my dream?

Where I would do anything to be one of Justin Timberlake’s backup dancers, I am fully aware that this ship has sailed for me. I also recognize that my constitution and disposition won’t allow me to quit my job to live in a van to travel the county (see: Blinders above). So this dream may just seem like another goal or vision to work towards, however for me it feels like this is the reach towards the exciting potential the world holds for me just outside my periphery and I am seeing now for the first time.

I love to travel. I loved it when it was a part of my job for nearly 5 years, and I have missed it over these past few months. I learned how to make the most of being where I was and perfecting the work/life balance. I also became a confident solo vacationer, and have made the commitment to taking a trip roughly every six months. I hope to share those experiences, and the experience that are to come, in this blog.

I also love photography - this has been a lifelong passion of mine that I (again) never allowed to manifest into anything more until recently. Where I am still very much an amateur, I also see this blog as an opportunity to chronicle my growth as a photographer.

I also love to write. I have journaled much of my adult life, and used to really enjoy writing professional publications when life permitted.

These are all things I have long held in my heart, but never considered being part of my dream until now.

What is my dream?

Maybe I am still trying to figure it out. However, my travels through the Northwestern US this past summer opened my eyes and heart to exploring more of the world, and sharing these journeys here as a way to connect to any others, who like me, have hesitated to explore or pursue their dreams for far too long. My dream is to create purpose and meaning for myself and others through blogging travel and photography. Where this may just be the first baby step on this journey towards dream fulfillment, all journeys begin with a single step. And maybe - just maybe - somewhere along the way I motivate someone else to take off the blinders and make their dreams a reality.